Finally my aching heart has healed enough for me to talk about what’s been going on in our infertility walk lately.
So after an amazing trip in Singapore, I was very exciting to get home to see my husband. A week away from him is a long time and I couldn’t wait to catch up. I was also super excited that we were 1 week closer to starting our first IVF cycle. Whilst lying in bed catching up he uttered the words that would shatter my heart “I think we should think about whether we are ready to do IVF”. I fumbled my words and asked a few questions to which his answer was “I’m just saying we should seriously think about” but in my heart I knew his mind was made up.
I spent the next day thinking long and hard for reasons to convince him why we should still go ahead with it. That evening I was nervous to broach the subject and casually bought it up. I argued that Gods Will will prevail and I felt we should still go through with it and if it was Gods timing I would fall pregnant and if not I wouldn’t. It was as simple as that. Lets leave it in Gods hands. Unfortunately he didnt believe in this and said it was an expensive gamble to take. My fears were confirmed, he had made his mind up and the IVF was off.
I couldn’t and still can’t find the words to describe how I felt. I felt completely betrayed, disappointed and angry. So so angry, angry in his timing. Why was he telling me this 1 WEEK before we were due to start? Why had he not given this any thought before now?
Why was he taking the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, away from me?
I resented him in more ways than he knew.
I cried for 3 solid days. I was a complete emotional wreck. I was devastated beyond measure and couldn’t believe this was happening to me.
In hindsight, I agree with his decision. We had been dealing with other issues in our marriage that we were still working through and we were in no place to bring a child into this world.
My husband is my number 1, second to God, and I needed to work things through with him first before caring about anything else. I needed to reprioritize things in my life and having a child comes second to my husband. I needed to understand that and work on that.
It has been a long few weeks but we are finally making progress. Having a baby is not consuming our every day life and we are falling in love all over again. Obviously these things take time but already we are feeling like our marriage is in a much better place.